it's been a rough few weeks.

Not gonna lie, the past couple weeks have been ridiculously difficult.

Spring break couldn't have gotten here fast enough.

I was so ready to get away for a while.

The weekend before break, I was basically just freaking out.

Now I have lost the one person I thought I would never lose. I guess that's life's way of saying "screw you." I don't know. I'm trying to just make myself not care. It's less painful that way. But how do I make myself not care that I have lost someone who has been my best friend for 7 years? Is it even possible? I don't really know that it is. So honestly, I just want to turn everything off and not feel. Should I isolate myself? It seems like life would be safer alone. But is it worth the loneliness that comes with isolation? I'm not sure. I know since I have been at Liberty that U have developed some wonderful friendships. Should I cut myself off from them in order to protect myself? Or would that just cause more pain?

I don't even know. I just don't want to ever feel this again. The people who were pretty much the only friends I had two years ago, are now gone. How do I deal with that? 

I just don't know. 

Matthew 11:28 says "come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Psalm 91:1 says "those who dwell in the shelter of the most high, find rest in the shadow of the almighty."

My question to myself lately is do I really believe what I say I believe? Do I really trust Jesus to hold me when I feel like absolutely everything is falling apart? Lately, I don't know how to answer that. I want to say yes, but I feel like I keep taking back everything onto my own shoulders. I need to trust Him to carry me, because I definitely can't do this alone. I just have to figure out how to let go, then actually do it. 

Jesus, help me. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel abandoned and alone. Help me to trust you. I know that you promise to not give me more than I can handle. But when I can't handle what I've been given, I know that means that I am supposed to trust you to carry the rest. I can't do this alone anymore. Forgive me for trying to in the first place. I just want to be whole. Take these shattered pieces of me and fix me. Father, you are the only one who can. 

If any of you are struggling, know that things can get better. Trust Him. He knows what He's doing. No matter what's going on. 

I love you all. Jesus loves you more.

Just sometimes...

You know, sometimes I just feel horribly horrible. 

This past week has been an example of said feelings. Lately I have just really felt like I am honestly better off alone. Like no one would really care if I am around or not anyway. I mean really, who would even notice if I just checked out for a while? 

Yeah.

Life is kind of sucking

Sometimes I just want to pause everything for a while. Just to not have to think about stuff. Just five minutes. Please. That's all I need. 

Just.

Five. 

Minutes.

I'm serious. I just want a break. Not from school or whatever, though that would be nice. Just from life in general. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not dealing with stress properly.

Actually... I know I'm not dealing with stress properly. I never do. It always just hits me in the face and I kind of freak out. Every time. You'd think I'd learn. 

Oh well

Anyway, I'm done venting now.

Farewell.

just my thoughts on life lately

You know, sometime times I really question what my purpose is. Like, does my life really have meaning? Can I really make a difference in the world? Can I even make a difference in my small community? Is who I am good enough? Why am I here? 
I know I can't be the only one who thinks stuff like that. There's no way I'm the only one who wonders if I even matter at all. More than anything, I just want to know that my life has value, meaning, and purpose. I want to know that I am wanted. 
Sometimes I have a hard time letting myself be me. I feel like if I am 100% me that people won't want me around or whatever. I've struggled so much with just wanting to belong that honestly, I really don't even know who I am. I've gotten good at acting like I've got my act together, but when you really get down to it, I am just as lost and confused and the next person. I have no freaking clue who I am. But, you know what? I don't have to. Psalm 139 says "I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." So when I wonder if I am good enough, I should remind myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Yeah, easier said than done though. So often I lose sight of who I am in Christ and I try to take my life into my own hands.    That's when things get rocky and painful. Who am I to demand control of my life. Me wanting control is in a sense telling God "I don't trust you with this so I'm gonna do it myself." We all know how well that works..... 
I guess what I am trying to get at is that we all struggle. We all fall. We all do stupid stuff. We all try to run our own lives. But you know, life will never be completely joyful and whole until we surrender control completely. I know I am far from being there yet. But I'll make a deal with you. Let's do this together. Let's surrender together. The word says "Where two or more are gathered in my name, I am there." Jesus wants us to come alongside each other and encourage each other as His body. We are His church. So let's surrender ourselves to Him for His purpose. That's what we're here for anyway. The creator made us to reflect his glory back to him. Anything less than that is failing our purpose. 
So what do you say? You ready for a change? You ready for freedom. You ready for joy? 
I know I am.
It won't be easy. Doing the right thing usually is the hardest thing to do. (isn't that in a coldplay song?) But I am so so very sure that it will be worth it.
So let's go on a journey. I know in my own life, I am far beyond ready for a change.

I love you all.

Jesus loves you more.

Kate

P.S. if any of you ever need prayer, encouragement, a listening ear, shoulder to cry on, etc, I'm always here.

Also, listen to this song.
http://youtu.be/suIeoR2Wils

Thankful

Well, it's that time of year again.    The time for family, food, fun...... fighting, anger, frustrations....

I don't know about you guys, but I have a love/hate relationship with holidays. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I just think it might be nice to spend a holiday alone, or with someone who isn't in my immediate family, you know? Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. I don't know. All I know is that as much as I love my family, sometimes we bug each other. Sometimes we butt heads. And sometimes I just wanna get in my car and drive away.

But you know what? Even in the frustration, I am constantly reminded that I am so so blessed to have them. Yeah, my family can be a little nuts, but whose isn't? Life is no fun without a little crazy. 

So instead of focusing on the frustrations, I want to take a little time to list some people that I am thankful for.

Mom - thanks for always telling me that you love me, for never giving up on me.... even when I was going through my stupid years. I love you

Daddy - Thank you for always pushing me to go for my dreams and always telling me that I can be anyone and anything I want to be. You are the reason I have always pushed myself to be the best I can be... specifically in music. You're the best dad ever. 

Casey - I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll just start by saying that I loaf you. ;) You are the best big sister that I could have ever asked for. Even when we want to beat the snot out of each other, I know you'll always love me and I'll always love you. You're my opposite but you're my best friend.

Adam - You've basically been my big brother for forever. You're an awesome brother-in-law, a great example of how a man should treat his wife, and a genuinely fantastic guy. I couldn't ask for a better brother. You're perfect for my sister and I am so glad that God put you two together.

Bree - You've been my best friend through so much. You've put up with my stubbornnes and been just as stubborn right back to me. You've been my shoulder to cry on, my listening ear, and the one person in my life that I can be 100% myself with. There's no one in the world like you. You're my soul sister. I can't even begin to describe how much I love you.

Angela - God definitely knew what He was up to when He planned for us to meet. You're the little sister I never had. You're one of the sweetest, most kind-hearted people I know. I still don't understand how we're friends. haha. But I am so grateful we are. I love you so much and I am so glad that you are pretty much a part of my family. 

Kris and Sarah - You guys seriously have no idea the impact you have made on my life. I wouldn't be who I am today without the wisdom I have gained from you both. You always told me the truth, even when it was hard to hear and even when I didn't want to hear it. I love you both.

Bethany, Kim, Emily, Brooke, Meredith, and Karissa - Y'all we're seriously the best leadership I could have ever hoped for, for my first year at Liberty. You are all so gracious and loving and wonderful. I am so blessed beyond belief to know you.

Jessica - We have become friends so quickly that it feels like I have known you for years... even though it's only been a couple months. I am so thankful that I started going to GospelCC and our community group. Meeting you is one of the best things that has happened this fall. Love you so much, girl. I'm looking forward to growing, learning, and serving with you. 




I would encourage all of you to really think about the people you are thankful for and tell them. You never know how much just a simple "I am thankful you are in my life" can mean. 
I love you all
Jesus loves you more. 
-Kate             

Sometimes I just need to vent.

Hey guys.

So let me just say that today was, for the most part, a disaster. I went to bed Monday night thinking it was Tuesday, so I set my alarm for the wrong time. So, I started the day off rushing, which is never fun. Then I went to classes, which were thankfully pretty normal. After class I was gonna go grab some lunch. It was a Drenchburg kind of day so I was hoping to get to my car quickly. Some car drove through a puddle and threw water ALL OVER ME. Then while, continuing to my car, I slipped and fell in a puddle. Now I have a lovely bruise on my hip.
Thanks Pavement....
So I ended up having to go home, which was not my intention.
Freshman choir was no fun today... I think it was mainly just because I was having a bad day.
Thankfully, after classes were over, my day got better. I did two haircuts, put another cut on my schedule for tomorrow, talked to my mom and my sister, and got to sit down and snuggle with my kitten for a bit. At least until she decided to go into attack cat mode. Also, I got an email from my new voice teacher. (YAY!)
Anyway, tomorrow is a new day... and actually, Wednesday is one of my favorite days of the week. I love my community group on Wednesday evenings. :) Also, I should be getting some stuff in the mail to make wreaths for my house. I'm ready to get my craft on.

Alrighty, I'm done now.
Love you all.
-Kate

Find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the LORD; He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I trust Him. For He will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with His feathers. He will shelter you with His wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. Just open your eyes and see how the wicked are punished. 

If you make the LORD your refuge, if you will make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you, no plague will come near your home. For He will protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands so you won't even hurt your foot on a stone. You will trample upon lions and cobras; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

The LORD says, 'I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.'" Psalm 91

 Have you ever just stopped and thought about how faithful God is? For most of us, the answer to that question is yes. Have you ever thought about His faithfulness when you're in the middle of a situation where you have absolutely no idea what to do or how things will turn out? Yeahhhh that's a little tougher.... 

I'm gonna be honest. This semester is proving to be really hard for me. I'm not talking about my classes, though those are challenging. I'm just talking about life in general. I realllllly just want to be back in North Carolina with my family more than anything right now. I know that God wants me where I am though. I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing besides school but I know He has a plan. Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that clearly. It's just frustrating not knowing what to do. I feel like I lack purpose. And for anyone who knows me, you know that I need to feel like I have a purpose for being here. I need to be needed.

Another hard aspect is that I am So. Lonely. All the time. I miss my family. I miss my friends from my hall from last year. Even though most of us are still here, it's not the same being off campus. I feel a lack of connection. Living on a hall, you can kind of take it for granted that you have people around all the time. Living off campus shows you really quickly just how lonely life can be. I mean, I have 4 roommates and a cat, but my roommates and I all have really different schedules and I don't want to be a cat lady so.... yeah... it get's lonely. But you know what? Within my loneliness, I am learning. I'm learning to know God and trust that He is sufficient for anything I could ever need in life. He is drawing me closer to Him in ways that I couldn't have ever imagined. I am learning every day just how awesome the God of the universe is.

I can't even begin to explain how thankful I am that God got a hold of my life and my heart. I honestly have no doubts that I wouldn't be here if He hadn't woken me up. I was at a point where I was so desperate to feel something that if I didn't get to a point where I felt alive that I was ready to end it all. It's true when people say that Jesus radically changes lives. The change I have seen in my life is proof enough for me. So while I may not really be content right now, I know this unrest is here for a reason. Maybe He is getting me ready to move forward to something that I never imagined. Or maybe He is wanting to show me something I need to let go of so He isn't letting me settle until it's gone. All I know is that I have to continue to pray and seek His will.

So I guess this post is mainly to ask you all to pray for me. Pray that I stay on the path He has in store for me and that I won't stray off on my own. 
Maybe you're dealing with something similar. Maybe He pushed me to post this to be an encouragement that you are not alone. 
As always, if any of you ever need me to pray for you, or if you just need a friend, know that I am always here.

I love you all.

Jesus loves you more.

Kati

Just as a warning.

Uplands Reach. More commonly known as URCC.... Some of the kids from my church are there this week for Junior Camp. I guess some people have good memories of that place... I don't. All I remember is the favoritism shown toward some kids and the sense of not being good enough poured over others. I was, unfortunately, one of the ones who never felt good enough to be there. The last time I was there, I could count on one hand the number of people who actually even spoke to me... and that's including the so called "leaders" of that place.
The favoritism, as much of a problem as it is, is not my biggest beef with the place. I am a firm believer that God calls people to His salvation. You can't be scared into it through the hellfire and brimstone preaching. I'm sorry but that just doesn't work. I know that from my own experience. I thought I was "saved" when I was 14 at Teen Camp, but I was wrong. Very wrong. I know that the Word must be taught, but please, find a way to not make it terrifying. Preaching the stuff that "If you don't get saved tonight, you might die and spend eternity in the flames of hell." don't you think that's enough to make all those kids up there get "saved"? From my own life, I can tell you that that kind of "salvation" isn't real. At least it wasn't for me. The "camp high" lasted for like a week but there was no real change. For me, real salvation came when I was 19. Ironically, when a guest group from Uplands Reach was at my church. While I like the people as people, I have zero respect for the camp itself. It screwed up my understanding of what a relationship with Jesus really is.

So for those of you who go to/support/work at the camp, be wary. Pay attention. But ultimately that's your decision. I'm just stating my experience and opinions.

This is not meant to offend. Just meant to warn.