Mamaw,
Seeing you today was hard. It's painful seeing you struggle. I miss the happy, sneaky you that I am used to. I hate seeing you in pain. The doctors say you don't have much longer. I have cried more today than I have in a long time. You have no idea how much you mean to me. You have been my favorite person in the world for such a long time. I'm not ready to say goodbye to you. I don't know that I will ever be ready. I would give anything to keep you longer, to make you healthy again.
You made me look forward to holidays. You always kept me laughing. I remember going on adventures with you. Exploring through the woods to the river. You wouldn't let me go in past my knees because you were scared I would get hurt. We would sit on the couch for hours doing word searches and you'd get mad at me when I did them out of order. You were always weird about pens and only liked using the tiny little refill things. I remember working in the flowers and you would tell me how to grow pretty irises and lilies. I used lilies in my wedding because of you. Though you grew day lilies and I used callas. You showed me how to care for flowers You gave me a love for things that grow. I remember how excited you were when you got Rascal. You spoiled that dog like a child.
I wish you could have been at my wedding. It was beautiful. You would've loved it. It was so colorful and beautiful. Ryan is amazing. I wish you both could've gotten to know each other. He'd have to be pretty incredible to put up with me.
The honest truth is that I am not ready. I love you too much to let go. I miss you so much already. You're amazing. So amazing. You're my favorite.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Who makes the rules?
So a few days ago, I was talking with a dear friend of mine. We were discussing different social "rules" and what they are there for. This discussion caused a question for both of us.
Who makes these rules anyway?
Who decided what words are considered curse words? Who decided what things are and are not socially acceptable? Why is it okay to drink in some parts of the country and around some people, but with others, you might as well have just booked a one way ticket to hell with that sip of a cocktail?
It makes no sense. Where in the Bible does it say "thou shalt not engage in social drinking"? In my copy it just says to not be drunk with wine. I don't know what you're reading... Who cares if I go out for a drink with my friends? I'm not saying that I completely disregard every rule, I just want to know what the basis for the rules are. If you cannot give me a reason other than it being your opinion or the way that it's always been, then I will decide for myself what is right or wrong for me. I'm sorry, but imposing your so called morality on someone without any kind of real biblical basis is wrong. It's like when people tell me that I am sinning because I have tattoos. Where the heck are you basing that? I'm not forcing you to go to the tattoo shop and get inked with me. It says NOTHING in the Bible about tattoos. NOTHING. Same with piercings.
I believe in the Bible. Every word of it. I believe it is truth. But I also believe that we need to keep things in context. Don't pull out individual pieces to make it say what you want it to say.
Another thing that's a lot less bible related. Who decided what words are socially acceptable. I could list a ton of words that would fit into this question. The way I see it, though, is that it's like when we were kids. When we were little, our parents always told us not to say words like stupid, dumb, shut up, crap... those were "curse words" for us.
I actually asked my mother this question the other day. Her response is that it's the context of the word. And while I understand that, I must also point out that that could apply to any word in any language. I could say "tree" and make it sound super insulting. However, a tree is a tree is a tree, right? So what's the difference is saying crap, poop, or shit? They're all the same thing. So who decided the magnitude of inappropriateness for each word? I may be completely off base on this, and if you can find a legitimate biblical basis for why I am wrong, I welcome it. However, if it's an opinion, I will argue that my opinion is just as valid as yours.
So while I do not want to do anything that will personally offend anyone, I do have my own opinions and ideas. Everyone is allowed that. If it seriously offends you to have alcohol around, that's okay. It doesn't bother me, personally. If certain words bother you, that's okay. They just happen to not bother me.
That is all I have to say.
Let me know what your thoughts are? Seriously, I am open for whatever input you may have. But I will point out again that I will not change my opinion unless you can give me a solid, in context, biblical reason as to why my opinion is wrong at all.
Much love
Kate
Who makes these rules anyway?
Who decided what words are considered curse words? Who decided what things are and are not socially acceptable? Why is it okay to drink in some parts of the country and around some people, but with others, you might as well have just booked a one way ticket to hell with that sip of a cocktail?
It makes no sense. Where in the Bible does it say "thou shalt not engage in social drinking"? In my copy it just says to not be drunk with wine. I don't know what you're reading... Who cares if I go out for a drink with my friends? I'm not saying that I completely disregard every rule, I just want to know what the basis for the rules are. If you cannot give me a reason other than it being your opinion or the way that it's always been, then I will decide for myself what is right or wrong for me. I'm sorry, but imposing your so called morality on someone without any kind of real biblical basis is wrong. It's like when people tell me that I am sinning because I have tattoos. Where the heck are you basing that? I'm not forcing you to go to the tattoo shop and get inked with me. It says NOTHING in the Bible about tattoos. NOTHING. Same with piercings.
I believe in the Bible. Every word of it. I believe it is truth. But I also believe that we need to keep things in context. Don't pull out individual pieces to make it say what you want it to say.
Another thing that's a lot less bible related. Who decided what words are socially acceptable. I could list a ton of words that would fit into this question. The way I see it, though, is that it's like when we were kids. When we were little, our parents always told us not to say words like stupid, dumb, shut up, crap... those were "curse words" for us.
I actually asked my mother this question the other day. Her response is that it's the context of the word. And while I understand that, I must also point out that that could apply to any word in any language. I could say "tree" and make it sound super insulting. However, a tree is a tree is a tree, right? So what's the difference is saying crap, poop, or shit? They're all the same thing. So who decided the magnitude of inappropriateness for each word? I may be completely off base on this, and if you can find a legitimate biblical basis for why I am wrong, I welcome it. However, if it's an opinion, I will argue that my opinion is just as valid as yours.
So while I do not want to do anything that will personally offend anyone, I do have my own opinions and ideas. Everyone is allowed that. If it seriously offends you to have alcohol around, that's okay. It doesn't bother me, personally. If certain words bother you, that's okay. They just happen to not bother me.
That is all I have to say.
Let me know what your thoughts are? Seriously, I am open for whatever input you may have. But I will point out again that I will not change my opinion unless you can give me a solid, in context, biblical reason as to why my opinion is wrong at all.
Much love
Kate
Friday, March 22, 2013
it's been a rough few weeks.
Not gonna lie, the past couple weeks have been ridiculously difficult.
Spring break couldn't have gotten here fast enough.
I was so ready to get away for a while.
The weekend before break, I was basically just freaking out.
Now I have lost the one person I thought I would never lose. I guess that's life's way of saying "screw you." I don't know. I'm trying to just make myself not care. It's less painful that way. But how do I make myself not care that I have lost someone who has been my best friend for 7 years? Is it even possible? I don't really know that it is. So honestly, I just want to turn everything off and not feel. Should I isolate myself? It seems like life would be safer alone. But is it worth the loneliness that comes with isolation? I'm not sure. I know since I have been at Liberty that U have developed some wonderful friendships. Should I cut myself off from them in order to protect myself? Or would that just cause more pain?
I don't even know. I just don't want to ever feel this again. The people who were pretty much the only friends I had two years ago, are now gone. How do I deal with that?
I just don't know.
Matthew 11:28 says "come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Psalm 91:1 says "those who dwell in the shelter of the most high, find rest in the shadow of the almighty."
My question to myself lately is do I really believe what I say I believe? Do I really trust Jesus to hold me when I feel like absolutely everything is falling apart? Lately, I don't know how to answer that. I want to say yes, but I feel like I keep taking back everything onto my own shoulders. I need to trust Him to carry me, because I definitely can't do this alone. I just have to figure out how to let go, then actually do it.
Jesus, help me. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel abandoned and alone. Help me to trust you. I know that you promise to not give me more than I can handle. But when I can't handle what I've been given, I know that means that I am supposed to trust you to carry the rest. I can't do this alone anymore. Forgive me for trying to in the first place. I just want to be whole. Take these shattered pieces of me and fix me. Father, you are the only one who can.
If any of you are struggling, know that things can get better. Trust Him. He knows what He's doing. No matter what's going on.
I love you all. Jesus loves you more.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Just sometimes...
You know, sometimes I just feel horribly horrible.
This past week has been an example of said feelings. Lately I have just really felt like I am honestly better off alone. Like no one would really care if I am around or not anyway. I mean really, who would even notice if I just checked out for a while?
Yeah.
Life is kind of sucking
Sometimes I just want to pause everything for a while. Just to not have to think about stuff. Just five minutes. Please. That's all I need.
Just.
Five.
Minutes.
I'm serious. I just want a break. Not from school or whatever, though that would be nice. Just from life in general. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not dealing with stress properly.
Actually... I know I'm not dealing with stress properly. I never do. It always just hits me in the face and I kind of freak out. Every time. You'd think I'd learn.
Oh well
Anyway, I'm done venting now.
Farewell.
Friday, November 30, 2012
just my thoughts on life lately
You know, sometime times I really question what my purpose is. Like, does my life really have meaning? Can I really make a difference in the world? Can I even make a difference in my small community? Is who I am good enough? Why am I here?
I know I can't be the only one who thinks stuff like that. There's no way I'm the only one who wonders if I even matter at all. More than anything, I just want to know that my life has value, meaning, and purpose. I want to know that I am wanted.
Sometimes I have a hard time letting myself be me. I feel like if I am 100% me that people won't want me around or whatever. I've struggled so much with just wanting to belong that honestly, I really don't even know who I am. I've gotten good at acting like I've got my act together, but when you really get down to it, I am just as lost and confused and the next person. I have no freaking clue who I am. But, you know what? I don't have to. Psalm 139 says "I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." So when I wonder if I am good enough, I should remind myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Yeah, easier said than done though. So often I lose sight of who I am in Christ and I try to take my life into my own hands. That's when things get rocky and painful. Who am I to demand control of my life. Me wanting control is in a sense telling God "I don't trust you with this so I'm gonna do it myself." We all know how well that works.....
I guess what I am trying to get at is that we all struggle. We all fall. We all do stupid stuff. We all try to run our own lives. But you know, life will never be completely joyful and whole until we surrender control completely. I know I am far from being there yet. But I'll make a deal with you. Let's do this together. Let's surrender together. The word says "Where two or more are gathered in my name, I am there." Jesus wants us to come alongside each other and encourage each other as His body. We are His church. So let's surrender ourselves to Him for His purpose. That's what we're here for anyway. The creator made us to reflect his glory back to him. Anything less than that is failing our purpose.
So what do you say? You ready for a change? You ready for freedom. You ready for joy?
I know I am.
It won't be easy. Doing the right thing usually is the hardest thing to do. (isn't that in a coldplay song?) But I am so so very sure that it will be worth it.
So let's go on a journey. I know in my own life, I am far beyond ready for a change.
I love you all.
Jesus loves you more.
Kate
P.S. if any of you ever need prayer, encouragement, a listening ear, shoulder to cry on, etc, I'm always here.
Also, listen to this song.
http://youtu.be/suIeoR2Wils
I know I can't be the only one who thinks stuff like that. There's no way I'm the only one who wonders if I even matter at all. More than anything, I just want to know that my life has value, meaning, and purpose. I want to know that I am wanted.
Sometimes I have a hard time letting myself be me. I feel like if I am 100% me that people won't want me around or whatever. I've struggled so much with just wanting to belong that honestly, I really don't even know who I am. I've gotten good at acting like I've got my act together, but when you really get down to it, I am just as lost and confused and the next person. I have no freaking clue who I am. But, you know what? I don't have to. Psalm 139 says "I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." So when I wonder if I am good enough, I should remind myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Yeah, easier said than done though. So often I lose sight of who I am in Christ and I try to take my life into my own hands. That's when things get rocky and painful. Who am I to demand control of my life. Me wanting control is in a sense telling God "I don't trust you with this so I'm gonna do it myself." We all know how well that works.....
I guess what I am trying to get at is that we all struggle. We all fall. We all do stupid stuff. We all try to run our own lives. But you know, life will never be completely joyful and whole until we surrender control completely. I know I am far from being there yet. But I'll make a deal with you. Let's do this together. Let's surrender together. The word says "Where two or more are gathered in my name, I am there." Jesus wants us to come alongside each other and encourage each other as His body. We are His church. So let's surrender ourselves to Him for His purpose. That's what we're here for anyway. The creator made us to reflect his glory back to him. Anything less than that is failing our purpose.
So what do you say? You ready for a change? You ready for freedom. You ready for joy?
I know I am.
It won't be easy. Doing the right thing usually is the hardest thing to do. (isn't that in a coldplay song?) But I am so so very sure that it will be worth it.
So let's go on a journey. I know in my own life, I am far beyond ready for a change.
I love you all.
Jesus loves you more.
Kate
P.S. if any of you ever need prayer, encouragement, a listening ear, shoulder to cry on, etc, I'm always here.
Also, listen to this song.
http://youtu.be/suIeoR2Wils
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Thankful
Well, it's that time of year again. The time for family, food, fun...... fighting, anger, frustrations....
I don't know about you guys, but I have a love/hate relationship with holidays. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I just think it might be nice to spend a holiday alone, or with someone who isn't in my immediate family, you know? Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. I don't know. All I know is that as much as I love my family, sometimes we bug each other. Sometimes we butt heads. And sometimes I just wanna get in my car and drive away.
But you know what? Even in the frustration, I am constantly reminded that I am so so blessed to have them. Yeah, my family can be a little nuts, but whose isn't? Life is no fun without a little crazy.
So instead of focusing on the frustrations, I want to take a little time to list some people that I am thankful for.
Mom - thanks for always telling me that you love me, for never giving up on me.... even when I was going through my stupid years. I love you
Daddy - Thank you for always pushing me to go for my dreams and always telling me that I can be anyone and anything I want to be. You are the reason I have always pushed myself to be the best I can be... specifically in music. You're the best dad ever.
Casey - I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll just start by saying that I loaf you. ;) You are the best big sister that I could have ever asked for. Even when we want to beat the snot out of each other, I know you'll always love me and I'll always love you. You're my opposite but you're my best friend.
Adam - You've basically been my big brother for forever. You're an awesome brother-in-law, a great example of how a man should treat his wife, and a genuinely fantastic guy. I couldn't ask for a better brother. You're perfect for my sister and I am so glad that God put you two together.
Bree - You've been my best friend through so much. You've put up with my stubbornnes and been just as stubborn right back to me. You've been my shoulder to cry on, my listening ear, and the one person in my life that I can be 100% myself with. There's no one in the world like you. You're my soul sister. I can't even begin to describe how much I love you.
Angela - God definitely knew what He was up to when He planned for us to meet. You're the little sister I never had. You're one of the sweetest, most kind-hearted people I know. I still don't understand how we're friends. haha. But I am so grateful we are. I love you so much and I am so glad that you are pretty much a part of my family.
Kris and Sarah - You guys seriously have no idea the impact you have made on my life. I wouldn't be who I am today without the wisdom I have gained from you both. You always told me the truth, even when it was hard to hear and even when I didn't want to hear it. I love you both.
Bethany, Kim, Emily, Brooke, Meredith, and Karissa - Y'all we're seriously the best leadership I could have ever hoped for, for my first year at Liberty. You are all so gracious and loving and wonderful. I am so blessed beyond belief to know you.
Jessica - We have become friends so quickly that it feels like I have known you for years... even though it's only been a couple months. I am so thankful that I started going to GospelCC and our community group. Meeting you is one of the best things that has happened this fall. Love you so much, girl. I'm looking forward to growing, learning, and serving with you.
I would encourage all of you to really think about the people you are thankful for and tell them. You never know how much just a simple "I am thankful you are in my life" can mean.
I love you all
Jesus loves you more.
-Kate
I don't know about you guys, but I have a love/hate relationship with holidays. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I just think it might be nice to spend a holiday alone, or with someone who isn't in my immediate family, you know? Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. I don't know. All I know is that as much as I love my family, sometimes we bug each other. Sometimes we butt heads. And sometimes I just wanna get in my car and drive away.
But you know what? Even in the frustration, I am constantly reminded that I am so so blessed to have them. Yeah, my family can be a little nuts, but whose isn't? Life is no fun without a little crazy.
So instead of focusing on the frustrations, I want to take a little time to list some people that I am thankful for.
Mom - thanks for always telling me that you love me, for never giving up on me.... even when I was going through my stupid years. I love you
Daddy - Thank you for always pushing me to go for my dreams and always telling me that I can be anyone and anything I want to be. You are the reason I have always pushed myself to be the best I can be... specifically in music. You're the best dad ever.
Casey - I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll just start by saying that I loaf you. ;) You are the best big sister that I could have ever asked for. Even when we want to beat the snot out of each other, I know you'll always love me and I'll always love you. You're my opposite but you're my best friend.
Adam - You've basically been my big brother for forever. You're an awesome brother-in-law, a great example of how a man should treat his wife, and a genuinely fantastic guy. I couldn't ask for a better brother. You're perfect for my sister and I am so glad that God put you two together.
Bree - You've been my best friend through so much. You've put up with my stubbornnes and been just as stubborn right back to me. You've been my shoulder to cry on, my listening ear, and the one person in my life that I can be 100% myself with. There's no one in the world like you. You're my soul sister. I can't even begin to describe how much I love you.
Angela - God definitely knew what He was up to when He planned for us to meet. You're the little sister I never had. You're one of the sweetest, most kind-hearted people I know. I still don't understand how we're friends. haha. But I am so grateful we are. I love you so much and I am so glad that you are pretty much a part of my family.
Kris and Sarah - You guys seriously have no idea the impact you have made on my life. I wouldn't be who I am today without the wisdom I have gained from you both. You always told me the truth, even when it was hard to hear and even when I didn't want to hear it. I love you both.
Bethany, Kim, Emily, Brooke, Meredith, and Karissa - Y'all we're seriously the best leadership I could have ever hoped for, for my first year at Liberty. You are all so gracious and loving and wonderful. I am so blessed beyond belief to know you.
Jessica - We have become friends so quickly that it feels like I have known you for years... even though it's only been a couple months. I am so thankful that I started going to GospelCC and our community group. Meeting you is one of the best things that has happened this fall. Love you so much, girl. I'm looking forward to growing, learning, and serving with you.
I would encourage all of you to really think about the people you are thankful for and tell them. You never know how much just a simple "I am thankful you are in my life" can mean.
I love you all
Jesus loves you more.
-Kate
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Sometimes I just need to vent.
Hey guys.
So let me just say that today was, for the most part, a disaster. I went to bed Monday night thinking it was Tuesday, so I set my alarm for the wrong time. So, I started the day off rushing, which is never fun. Then I went to classes, which were thankfully pretty normal. After class I was gonna go grab some lunch. It was a Drenchburg kind of day so I was hoping to get to my car quickly. Some car drove through a puddle and threw water ALL OVER ME. Then while, continuing to my car, I slipped and fell in a puddle. Now I have a lovely bruise on my hip.
Thanks Pavement....
So I ended up having to go home, which was not my intention.
Freshman choir was no fun today... I think it was mainly just because I was having a bad day.
Thankfully, after classes were over, my day got better. I did two haircuts, put another cut on my schedule for tomorrow, talked to my mom and my sister, and got to sit down and snuggle with my kitten for a bit. At least until she decided to go into attack cat mode. Also, I got an email from my new voice teacher. (YAY!)
Anyway, tomorrow is a new day... and actually, Wednesday is one of my favorite days of the week. I love my community group on Wednesday evenings. :) Also, I should be getting some stuff in the mail to make wreaths for my house. I'm ready to get my craft on.
Alrighty, I'm done now.
Love you all.
-Kate
So let me just say that today was, for the most part, a disaster. I went to bed Monday night thinking it was Tuesday, so I set my alarm for the wrong time. So, I started the day off rushing, which is never fun. Then I went to classes, which were thankfully pretty normal. After class I was gonna go grab some lunch. It was a Drenchburg kind of day so I was hoping to get to my car quickly. Some car drove through a puddle and threw water ALL OVER ME. Then while, continuing to my car, I slipped and fell in a puddle. Now I have a lovely bruise on my hip.
Thanks Pavement....
So I ended up having to go home, which was not my intention.
Freshman choir was no fun today... I think it was mainly just because I was having a bad day.
Thankfully, after classes were over, my day got better. I did two haircuts, put another cut on my schedule for tomorrow, talked to my mom and my sister, and got to sit down and snuggle with my kitten for a bit. At least until she decided to go into attack cat mode. Also, I got an email from my new voice teacher. (YAY!)
Anyway, tomorrow is a new day... and actually, Wednesday is one of my favorite days of the week. I love my community group on Wednesday evenings. :) Also, I should be getting some stuff in the mail to make wreaths for my house. I'm ready to get my craft on.
Alrighty, I'm done now.
Love you all.
-Kate
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