for my mamaw

Mamaw,

Seeing you today was hard. It's painful seeing you struggle. I miss the happy, sneaky you that I am used to. I hate seeing you in pain. The doctors say you don't have much longer. I have cried more today than I have in a long time. You have no idea how much you mean to me. You have been my favorite person in the world for such a long time. I'm not ready to say goodbye to you. I don't know that I will ever be ready. I would give anything to keep you longer, to make you healthy again.

You made me look forward to holidays. You always kept me laughing. I remember going on adventures with you. Exploring through the woods to the river. You wouldn't let me go in past my knees because you were scared I would get hurt. We would sit on the couch for hours doing word searches and you'd get mad at me when I did them out of order. You were always weird about pens and only liked using the tiny little refill things. I remember working in the flowers and you would tell me how to grow pretty irises and lilies. I used lilies in my wedding because of you. Though you grew day lilies and I used callas. You showed me how to care for flowers You gave me a love for things that grow. I remember how excited you were when you got Rascal. You spoiled that dog like a child.

I wish you could have been at my wedding. It was beautiful. You would've loved it. It was so colorful and beautiful. Ryan is amazing. I wish you both could've gotten to know each other. He'd have to be pretty incredible to put up with me.

The honest truth is that I am not ready. I love you too much to let go. I miss you so much already. You're amazing. So amazing. You're my favorite.